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Title: The Girl with Hearts
Word Count: 62,000
Genre: NA Contemporary Romance
Query:
When you're forced to keep rubber gloves in your console for the sole purpose of extracting thongs from the windshield of your G55- it's a sign you've achieved legend status.
Last season twenty-three-year-old Swedish hockey sensation Henrik Rylander didn't just take part in Manhattan's dating scene- he owned the exclusive rights to it. This season he is the newly minted captain and face of the New York Rangers franchise. When a bunch of faceless, executive turtle necks force him to relent his title as the team's most “worth it” bachelor for exclusive interviews and insufferable Geico commercials, Henrik decides to indulge in one last night of uninhibited freedom.
When you're forced to keep rubber gloves in your console for the sole purpose of extracting thongs from the windshield of your G55- it's a sign you've achieved legend status.
Last season twenty-three-year-old Swedish hockey sensation Henrik Rylander didn't just take part in Manhattan's dating scene- he owned the exclusive rights to it. This season he is the newly minted captain and face of the New York Rangers franchise. When a bunch of faceless, executive turtle necks force him to relent his title as the team's most “worth it” bachelor for exclusive interviews and insufferable Geico commercials, Henrik decides to indulge in one last night of uninhibited freedom.
The new kitchen/ping pong table needs broken in the right way.
His plan is derailed by Leila Blakely, a fiery-eyed beauty from his past who offers a proposition that a man on the brink of nun-hood can't refuse. A secret, mutual agreement for vengeance against her cheating ex-boyfriend, consisting of sex, lies and the bathroom wall at the Regency. What he thinks is the ultimate culmination of his bachelor prowess, turns into the shock of his lifetime.
He just devirginized the little sister of the most volatile enforcer in the National Hockey League, who, coincidentally, is his best friend.
His plan is derailed by Leila Blakely, a fiery-eyed beauty from his past who offers a proposition that a man on the brink of nun-hood can't refuse. A secret, mutual agreement for vengeance against her cheating ex-boyfriend, consisting of sex, lies and the bathroom wall at the Regency. What he thinks is the ultimate culmination of his bachelor prowess, turns into the shock of his lifetime.
He just devirginized the little sister of the most volatile enforcer in the National Hockey League, who, coincidentally, is his best friend.
It will make the news. Guaranteed. Castration on ice.
Determined to finally ditch his soulless, horn-dog stigma for the sake of his career and deter any suspicion of his hush-hush rendezvous with Leila from his best friend, Henrik embarks on a mission to befriend her only to be dealt a piece of humble pie.
Determined to finally ditch his soulless, horn-dog stigma for the sake of his career and deter any suspicion of his hush-hush rendezvous with Leila from his best friend, Henrik embarks on a mission to befriend her only to be dealt a piece of humble pie.
Egotistical, self-involved scumbag isn't exactly her type of man, let alone friend.
Henrik's ability to earn Leila's trust will determine more than just the status of his bromance with her brother. He may just save his career and her life.
Henrik's ability to earn Leila's trust will determine more than just the status of his bromance with her brother. He may just save his career and her life.
First 250 Words:
Custom tailored suit.
Check.
Flawless, panty dropping five o’clock shadow.
Henrik ran his thumb down the hard line of his chin and smirked to himself.
Check.
The
ladies in Newark were in for a treat tonight. Usually, he just crashed
after games- part of the constant refueling process required of a
professional hockey player. As the newly appointed captain, it was his
job to set a positive example for the guys now. Every game counted in
their eight-two game season, and discipline was key.
At least that's the sermon his coach continued to preach to him.
Responsibility. Team work. Blah. Blah. Ugh.
However,
tonight was the season opener, and they’d won decisively against their
bitter rivals- the New Jersey Devils. In celebration, because there is
always a good excuse to celebrate, he was planning to ignore the advice
of his coach in order to get shit-faced and make good use of his second
greatest talent. He'd get lectured for it tomorrow, but it wouldn't be
the first time he showed up for practice hung over and satisfied.
He
slipped his wallet into his back pocket and paused at the mirror for
final inspection. He’d cropped his signature Swedish blonde locks short
enough to tuck behind his ears. It was his beginning of the season
ritual, and it made his blue eyes pop in contrast. That’s what the
caramel haired beauty he'd entertained during his pregame interview had
told him anyway.
Admittedly impressed, he straightened the collar of his navy sports coat.
Hi Savannah!
ReplyDeleteI like the query but I think it reads too much like a summary. It could be shortened a little and I don't feel like you state your stakes clearly enough. The last sentence of the query throws me off a little. I'm not sure why he's saving her life. Nothing about her safety is mentioned anywhere else in the query so it's a little off putting.
As far as the 250 goes, I think it's brilliant. I really liked the opening and from the little snippet here I do quite like your writing.
Overall I think if you clean up your query a bit, you'll get much better results in the future!
I agree, shorten the query, especially the first two paragraphs. Cut to the chase. It doesn't take much to set up the idea of a womanizing hockey-player who's being forced to give up his Casanova ways (though I'm not sure I understand why he has to give it up.) Honestly, you're query left me a bit confused, and was kind of hard to get through. Double check for readability too.
ReplyDeleteBut then, I got to your first 250, which I totally loved. Your query doesn't do it justice. I like it a lot., "Pnaty-dropping five-o-clock shadow." Heh.
Hi there! I like your sample. I think you should get rid of the first part of the query and start with the second paragraph. That first part, although clever, is a bit awkward and I had to read it a few times :-). I also agree that you should try to shorten the query. Take a look at your use of adjectives. You have a lot and you could cut some of those out and cut down some of the sentences in the process. Maybe it's just me, but I think there's something grammatically wrong with this sentence: "A secret, mutual agreement for vengeance against her cheating ex-boyfriend, consisting of sex, lies and the bathroom wall at the Regency.". It's also really long and could be cut down. If you haven't already, I recommend reading your query out loud. It will help a lot, and will help you decide what to take out and how to make your sentences flow from one to another. I liked your first 250 - it made me feel like I was there, and the voice is good. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely have to agree with what's been said about - the query felt very long. Most of the agent advice I've seen recommends a query aim for 250 words, and you're already over 300 here without an intro/word count paragraph or your bio.
ReplyDeleteI honestly was a little confused by what felt like contradicting parts of the query, too - you go from "ping pong table needs to be broken in" to the sex happening at the bathroom wall of the Regency. Also, if he's planning a night of debauchery, how does the arrangement with Leila derail that plan? And finally, if she's someone from his past, how is it a shock to him that she's his best friend's little sister? Or is the shock that she's a virgin, which he didn't expect?
I'd definitely need some clarity there if I was an agent reading it. You've got some really clever phrasing on parts of the query, but the plot just gets a bit confusing.
As far as the 250 goes - it's a lot of fun, but you switch from past tense to present tense a few times. I'd make sure to edit those parts as they distracted me a little.
Good luck with your query!! :)
I like the log line, but I had to read it a couple of times. Maybe it's because I'm British. is a console a glove box?
ReplyDeleteTry and condense your query to two paragraphs, three at most. I think you could start with Henrik being forced to give up his status, and detailing why. It's not really clear from the query why this is happening.
The voice is great, and you've got a lot of great lines, but it just needs tidying a little. Don't forget to make sure you've got your wordcount and genre in there.
250
Not a lot to say other than your voice is great and I'd love to read more of this.
Query:
ReplyDeleteYour voice comes across well in the query. There's a lot of good stuff in here but I think the first 8 paragraphs need to be whittled down and the last paragraph needs to be plumped up a bit (i.e. you spend too much time on setup and too little on the stakes). I think there are lots of easy opportunities for cutting some sentences (ex. I'm not sure we need to know Leila's motivation for the one night stand), combining sentences, and cutting unnecessary words/phrases (ex. "exclusive rights" -> "rights", "New York Rangers franchise" -> "New York Rangers"). Then explain why his relationship with Leila could save his career (which seems like it's going very well in the rest of the query) and her life.
First 250:
It's great. Good voice, good characterization.
I love your voice. I thought it came out very well in both the query and the 250 words.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, I think your query is a bit on the long side. I was really engaged with it up to "He just devirginized" and after that it started getting a bit lagging so that's personally where I might suggest you start some of the cutting.
As for the first 250 I really enjoyed them. The character came across very clear and so did his voice. My only possible suggestion is that at this point in the story I'm not sure why I should be rooting for him since, as your query says, egotistical, self-involved scumbag isn't exactly my type of man. I'm sure you get into this later, but is there anything you can do to hint even this early that this guy is someone we should like?
Query: Oh man, I love this voice! But the query itself needs to be condensed and cut a bit. I also think a few aspects need clarifying. "When a bunch of faceless, executive turtle necks force him to relent his title as the team's most “worth it” bachelor for exclusive interviews and insufferable Geico commercials," - I was confused as to why Henrik being worth-it would impede execs' goals. Maybe if he was the most "bangable bachelor"? I think all of the dangling one-liners could be cut, in terms of query coherence and flow. Also, how could Henrik save Leila's life? I didn't see any correlating info to that earlier on.
ReplyDelete250: Really fun opening! I'd suggest moving the check-one-liners to a single line. Visually, it kind of contrasts the flow you establish in the later paragraphs. Otherwise, we get a good sense of Henrik and how debaucherous (and fun!) the first few chapters of this book will likely be. Very engaging!
Query:
ReplyDeleteFirst the query word count is currently a little over 300. Ideally, it’s supposed to be around 250, so overall, try to condense and streamline as much as you can. Working the one-liners into the paragraphs might help.
I think you can take out the first sentence and jump right into the query.
Switch up the wording to avoid repetition with ‘face’ and ‘faceless’ in consecutive sentences
I don’t know what is meant by ‘most “worth it” bachelor’
I’m a little confused… did he not know Leila was his best friend’s little sister? That seems very unlikely. So did he just make a mistake by sleeping with her? And he doesn’t want his friend to find out? I also wasn’t aware that the virgin status of a hockey player’s sister was common knowledge among news outlets.
Not sure where saving Leila’s life comes into it… maybe allude to that earlier? If it’s a big part of the stakes and the conflict of the book, make it a bigger part of the query.
First 250 Words:
Suggestion on using italics in the first few lines:
“Custom tailored suit. Check.
Flawless, panty dropping five o’clock shadow. Henrik ran his thumb down the hard line of his chin and smirked to himself. Check.”
Generally mirror descriptions are frowned upon. Is there another way to tell his appearance?
The voice in the query and first 250 is strong and gives us a good idea what we’re in for. It sounds like a fun read!